These are a few of my favorite things (about the absurdity of this past year's holiday shopping!)

Photos; Above, Roboraptor, far right, Charlie Brown's X-mas Tree, Mall parking lot and wine weekend gift package.

Its January! Lets celebrate. The gift giving/buying/worrying season is behind us. And what a season it was. Completely filled with a massive amount of future never-to-be-used-or-soon-to-be-out-of-style-expensive-as-hell stuff!

Stuffville, i call it.

Yes of course u'll have the occasional practical item; a jacket, a great big jar of sun-dried tomatoes, unlimited access to running water and the leisure to travel. Uhh, whoops, that's my list. Sorry.

I'm being a smart ass of course. But in reality, through my eyes.....we need food, water and shelter to survive. The rest, though u are welcome to argue with me, are luxuries. Pure and simple. Our entire economy rests on the key point of making u think that a certain product fits into those three categories. But do they?

It's that time of year again. Only before i had a blog, i just kept this annual list to myself. The list i'm talking about of course is my favorite "useless holiday season items". These are the gold medal winners in their own odd categories.

I'll begin with the hands-down winner; or as i like to call this category "The worst 12 dollars u'll ever spend";

The winner; "Christmas Moods by the Fireplace", a DVD of a video of someone elses roaring, crackling fire; found at Office Depot, Chattanooga, TN when i was staying over with the Bridges family (Becky and Bill). I have to admit, we were the impromtu committee of three that unanimously chose this winning entry.

The DVD case reads; "There is nothing more festive than a fire on a cold winter's night and for every one of us the fascination of watching a flickering flame rekindles the spirit of the holiday season. What's more; the true sense of well being and relaxation that this can induce is invaluable in the hustle and bustle during this time of year."

As if that wasn't classic enough, it goes on:

"Pull up a chair, put yur feet up and relax to soothing sounds mixed with images of mezmirizing dancing flames. It's everything u need to create the perfect fire in yur living room at just the flick of a switch....or in this case a push of a button on ur DVD player. It is perfect when its cold outside or u just want to curl up with the one u love for a special evening ."

So what exactly is inside;

"Burning for a restful 2 hours, this program will not only help u to relax and put the trials and tensions of the day into perspective, it will also warm and comfort the soul in a way that u would not have believed possible from ur television set."

and they end with, i kid u not; "soundtrack includes natural fire sounds"

I WOULD HOPE SO!!!!

Now lets break down some of this DVD's claims. Does anyone ever really study what it is they are trying to say? The arguments they are trying to make?

"There is nothing more festive than a fire on a cold winter's night"

Well i don't know, what about some nice fireworks or your sweetie in a Teddy? That's gonna beat the fireplace thingie hands down!

"What's more; the true sense of well being and relaxation that this can induce is invaluable in the hustle and bustle during this time of year."

True sense of well being = crackling fireplace? Huh? I love the fact that they totally define this time of year as being filled with "hustle and bustle", but should we have to go out and play that game. As if we have no other choice than to go through this crap year after year. Thank God for this DVD, what would we do without it!

"Burning for a restful 2 hours, this program will not only help u to relax and put the trials and tensions of the day into perspective, it will also warm and comfort the soul in a way that u would not have believed possible from ur television set."

So basically they are saying that nothing else eminating from yout TV set will comfort you at all, but pop this baby in and whala, the only thing that can "put the trials and tensions of the day into perspective". I'll put all this into perspective; STOP playing this game every year!

I guess my hyper-disdain from the materialistic view of the holidays was amped up a bit higher this year thanks to a play i saw in Atlanta (thank you Marji for taking me to the Horizon Theatre that night) called The Santaland Diaries, a lovely diatribe written by essayist David Sedaris, who is one of the (if not THE) best writers in America.

Actor Harold M. Leaver did a masterful job waxing poetically about Sedaris' stint as a Shopping Mall "seasonal elf" and the ensuing fiascos and tales that transpire during a typical holiday season. His elf name of "Crumpet" fit him perfectly, as the ultimate merry misanthrope!

Crumpet pokes fun at the insane pressures of how the holidays turn normal human beings into pathetic, wining, irate and absurd heathens who seem to have left their manners locked inside their car before they even enter the mall.

There is the pop shot at the "Mall Santa" phenomenon too (ala the Billy Bob Thornton/Bad Santa pic of a two years back) in relation to the wacky folks that each year don the red and white fur. Drunk Santa, atheist Santa, high on weed Santa...you name it.

Each year millions flock with their kids to the mall to continue the ruse that this jolly old man flies across the world bringing presents to all, when all the while they (the parents) secretively wish to revert to a simpler time where a $4 Tonka truck brought hours of enjoyment!

And so, the adults (kids with 401k's) will try to time travel to the past while purchasing expensive items in desperate hope that with more money comes more of that elusive magic. Which brings me to the insane (incredibly overpriced) items i witnessed "on sale" (yeah right) this season. Here are a few;

Dean and Delucas Tiffany Chocalate Box, a 6 inch square block of choc for just 80 bucks! www.temperchocolates.com

But if a sweet tooth is not ur thing, them maybe some serious liquor is. Aside from the elaborate, wine gift bags that are getting a wee bit ornate and even pricey (i saw one for 12 bucks, c'mon people!) there is:

A barrel, that's what i said "a barrel" (cuz a bottle would be just to small a gesture) of Tennesse Whisky, $9,000, that translates to about 220 bottles of whisky or 220 christmas gifts of one bottle per year! (more than a life time). Go ahead order it, see if i'm lyin; 888-551-5225

OK $9,000 too much, yet still wanna deliver that "Sideways/Napa Valley" experience. You can send your honey or fellow wine junkie to become a vinyard wine maker for a few days, $3,900 bucks, www.crushpadwine.com

I could go on, but it would bore u and seriously continue to outrage me! But speaking of outrage, how about a few choice tales that just make ya warm and fuzzy in remembering the wonderful gift giving season that was December, 2005;

At the Wall Mart near my parents home is western Dade County on December 23rd, at just about 5 AM police were trying to keeps folks from cutting in line. Let me say that again; Police, those folks that go after criminals that our tax payers pay to keep on board....the very ones with the badges and uniforms..those folks were called to make sure that us regular folks (adults i might add) did not cut in line!

The police actually tried to make the crowd assemble into a single file line! Ha. At 6am, the hoard trampled into the store, knocking over several display cases, clothes racks and more!

Have we really lost it? Apparently we have!

Just a few miles away, a few days earlier, a 73 year old woman (Josephine Taylor) waiting in a similar line at Brandsmart (inside the massive/sprawling Sawgrass Mills Mall on the edge of The Everglades in Broward County, had to be taken to the hospital after being trampled.

A lone sneaker lay on the floor after the rush passed over her. As the paramedics arrived, few turned heads to see what was the matter as they hurredly loaded shopping carts with goodies that could have easily been bought year round!

I'm wondering the following at times like these; Is the price we pay worth the struggle, stress and headache of these times? If we all know the stories, year after year, then who the hell is showing up at these places, participating in the melee? Do we have labotomies somewhere in the middle of the year? With an erased memory of a painful and stressfull period we are once again lured by the siren of "sale" ads, banners and newspaper inserts.

My favorite moments during the holidays is reading quotes from shoppers who have seemed to have lost their minds, which unfortunately are sometimes attached to their wallets. Here is my favorite;

Nine hours into his shopping spree, Stephen Hernandez had snagged three laptops, two computer systems, and three TV’s, video games, and some assorted small items that tallied a cool $2,500. His response was a classic;

"I’m pretty much broke right now. It was a long night but we almost got everything we wanted."

As if a force unbenounced to him woke him in the middle of his suburban slumber and made him show up at Best Buy at 7:00am on a Sunday morning he adds;

"I don’t really know what I’m going to do with it all"

My other favorite thing in the category of marketing masked as editorial stories, was one from USA Today that was reporting on (yeah right) the alternative to crowded malls;

Anne Low Bayly the editor of www.Dailycandy.com was discussing great shopping finds at local pharmacy stores such as CVC, Wallgreens etc.. Clutched in her hands were a bevy of small "stocking stuffers" such as a Coby 5 inch Black and White portable television for $27.49 (though i dont know if that really fits into a stocking - not the ones from back in the day).

She ads.."Any 12 year old boy would go crazy with that in his bedroom."

Mmmmm, maybe a 39 inch wide screen for todays kids sister! She's gotta be thinkin about a kid from 1978!

Other absurdities that actually were being marketed and i'm afraid sold were; (listen up parents, in case a birthday is looming):

Garfield Chia Pet 15.99, Back to Basic's red electric guitar 129.99, an Elizabeth Colonial Era "Felicity" doll for 87 bucks, with books and accesories about 92-100 bucks.

A "Roboraptor" robot from Wow Wee Toys, $99, this thing whips its tail (wow really, nooo, yur kidding!), plays tug of war (with what ants, i'd like to play tug-of-war with that thing!), and detect objects in its path (i'd like to test it out on cavernous basement stairwells or see if it can "dectect", maybe trip up....piano movers? yeah, i'd like to see that).

Speaking of stocking stuffers, ooooh let me not forget the Nethis $595 dollar "metallic boot" trimmed with Ferdi pink lace, encrusted with bugle beads and sequins and crammed with pink feathers! Gotta have that!

Also bordering on the insane but tapping into the nostalgia market is;

Charlie Brown’s Patriotic Christmas tree $24, a Custom velvet Elvis Portrait $149 (u send in photo - they incorporate it into a hideous painting of u in the suit with the big ole collars encrusted in jewells!

Ahh yes, holiday gift giving season 2005, i will miss it indeed! Can't u just tell i so can't wait till next year!

Cesar A. Becerra
Atlanta, GA