These are a few of my favorite things (about the absurdity of this past year's holiday shopping!)

Photos; Above, Roboraptor, far right, Charlie Brown's X-mas Tree, Mall parking lot and wine weekend gift package.

Its January! Lets celebrate. The gift giving/buying/worrying season is behind us. And what a season it was. Completely filled with a massive amount of future never-to-be-used-or-soon-to-be-out-of-style-expensive-as-hell stuff!

Stuffville, i call it.

Yes of course u'll have the occasional practical item; a jacket, a great big jar of sun-dried tomatoes, unlimited access to running water and the leisure to travel. Uhh, whoops, that's my list. Sorry.

I'm being a smart ass of course. But in reality, through my eyes.....we need food, water and shelter to survive. The rest, though u are welcome to argue with me, are luxuries. Pure and simple. Our entire economy rests on the key point of making u think that a certain product fits into those three categories. But do they?

It's that time of year again. Only before i had a blog, i just kept this annual list to myself. The list i'm talking about of course is my favorite "useless holiday season items". These are the gold medal winners in their own odd categories.

I'll begin with the hands-down winner; or as i like to call this category "The worst 12 dollars u'll ever spend";

The winner; "Christmas Moods by the Fireplace", a DVD of a video of someone elses roaring, crackling fire; found at Office Depot, Chattanooga, TN when i was staying over with the Bridges family (Becky and Bill). I have to admit, we were the impromtu committee of three that unanimously chose this winning entry.

The DVD case reads; "There is nothing more festive than a fire on a cold winter's night and for every one of us the fascination of watching a flickering flame rekindles the spirit of the holiday season. What's more; the true sense of well being and relaxation that this can induce is invaluable in the hustle and bustle during this time of year."

As if that wasn't classic enough, it goes on:

"Pull up a chair, put yur feet up and relax to soothing sounds mixed with images of mezmirizing dancing flames. It's everything u need to create the perfect fire in yur living room at just the flick of a switch....or in this case a push of a button on ur DVD player. It is perfect when its cold outside or u just want to curl up with the one u love for a special evening ."

So what exactly is inside;

"Burning for a restful 2 hours, this program will not only help u to relax and put the trials and tensions of the day into perspective, it will also warm and comfort the soul in a way that u would not have believed possible from ur television set."

and they end with, i kid u not; "soundtrack includes natural fire sounds"

I WOULD HOPE SO!!!!

Now lets break down some of this DVD's claims. Does anyone ever really study what it is they are trying to say? The arguments they are trying to make?

"There is nothing more festive than a fire on a cold winter's night"

Well i don't know, what about some nice fireworks or your sweetie in a Teddy? That's gonna beat the fireplace thingie hands down!

"What's more; the true sense of well being and relaxation that this can induce is invaluable in the hustle and bustle during this time of year."

True sense of well being = crackling fireplace? Huh? I love the fact that they totally define this time of year as being filled with "hustle and bustle", but should we have to go out and play that game. As if we have no other choice than to go through this crap year after year. Thank God for this DVD, what would we do without it!

"Burning for a restful 2 hours, this program will not only help u to relax and put the trials and tensions of the day into perspective, it will also warm and comfort the soul in a way that u would not have believed possible from ur television set."

So basically they are saying that nothing else eminating from yout TV set will comfort you at all, but pop this baby in and whala, the only thing that can "put the trials and tensions of the day into perspective". I'll put all this into perspective; STOP playing this game every year!

I guess my hyper-disdain from the materialistic view of the holidays was amped up a bit higher this year thanks to a play i saw in Atlanta (thank you Marji for taking me to the Horizon Theatre that night) called The Santaland Diaries, a lovely diatribe written by essayist David Sedaris, who is one of the (if not THE) best writers in America.

Actor Harold M. Leaver did a masterful job waxing poetically about Sedaris' stint as a Shopping Mall "seasonal elf" and the ensuing fiascos and tales that transpire during a typical holiday season. His elf name of "Crumpet" fit him perfectly, as the ultimate merry misanthrope!

Crumpet pokes fun at the insane pressures of how the holidays turn normal human beings into pathetic, wining, irate and absurd heathens who seem to have left their manners locked inside their car before they even enter the mall.

There is the pop shot at the "Mall Santa" phenomenon too (ala the Billy Bob Thornton/Bad Santa pic of a two years back) in relation to the wacky folks that each year don the red and white fur. Drunk Santa, atheist Santa, high on weed Santa...you name it.

Each year millions flock with their kids to the mall to continue the ruse that this jolly old man flies across the world bringing presents to all, when all the while they (the parents) secretively wish to revert to a simpler time where a $4 Tonka truck brought hours of enjoyment!

And so, the adults (kids with 401k's) will try to time travel to the past while purchasing expensive items in desperate hope that with more money comes more of that elusive magic. Which brings me to the insane (incredibly overpriced) items i witnessed "on sale" (yeah right) this season. Here are a few;

Dean and Delucas Tiffany Chocalate Box, a 6 inch square block of choc for just 80 bucks! www.temperchocolates.com

But if a sweet tooth is not ur thing, them maybe some serious liquor is. Aside from the elaborate, wine gift bags that are getting a wee bit ornate and even pricey (i saw one for 12 bucks, c'mon people!) there is:

A barrel, that's what i said "a barrel" (cuz a bottle would be just to small a gesture) of Tennesse Whisky, $9,000, that translates to about 220 bottles of whisky or 220 christmas gifts of one bottle per year! (more than a life time). Go ahead order it, see if i'm lyin; 888-551-5225

OK $9,000 too much, yet still wanna deliver that "Sideways/Napa Valley" experience. You can send your honey or fellow wine junkie to become a vinyard wine maker for a few days, $3,900 bucks, www.crushpadwine.com

I could go on, but it would bore u and seriously continue to outrage me! But speaking of outrage, how about a few choice tales that just make ya warm and fuzzy in remembering the wonderful gift giving season that was December, 2005;

At the Wall Mart near my parents home is western Dade County on December 23rd, at just about 5 AM police were trying to keeps folks from cutting in line. Let me say that again; Police, those folks that go after criminals that our tax payers pay to keep on board....the very ones with the badges and uniforms..those folks were called to make sure that us regular folks (adults i might add) did not cut in line!

The police actually tried to make the crowd assemble into a single file line! Ha. At 6am, the hoard trampled into the store, knocking over several display cases, clothes racks and more!

Have we really lost it? Apparently we have!

Just a few miles away, a few days earlier, a 73 year old woman (Josephine Taylor) waiting in a similar line at Brandsmart (inside the massive/sprawling Sawgrass Mills Mall on the edge of The Everglades in Broward County, had to be taken to the hospital after being trampled.

A lone sneaker lay on the floor after the rush passed over her. As the paramedics arrived, few turned heads to see what was the matter as they hurredly loaded shopping carts with goodies that could have easily been bought year round!

I'm wondering the following at times like these; Is the price we pay worth the struggle, stress and headache of these times? If we all know the stories, year after year, then who the hell is showing up at these places, participating in the melee? Do we have labotomies somewhere in the middle of the year? With an erased memory of a painful and stressfull period we are once again lured by the siren of "sale" ads, banners and newspaper inserts.

My favorite moments during the holidays is reading quotes from shoppers who have seemed to have lost their minds, which unfortunately are sometimes attached to their wallets. Here is my favorite;

Nine hours into his shopping spree, Stephen Hernandez had snagged three laptops, two computer systems, and three TV’s, video games, and some assorted small items that tallied a cool $2,500. His response was a classic;

"I’m pretty much broke right now. It was a long night but we almost got everything we wanted."

As if a force unbenounced to him woke him in the middle of his suburban slumber and made him show up at Best Buy at 7:00am on a Sunday morning he adds;

"I don’t really know what I’m going to do with it all"

My other favorite thing in the category of marketing masked as editorial stories, was one from USA Today that was reporting on (yeah right) the alternative to crowded malls;

Anne Low Bayly the editor of www.Dailycandy.com was discussing great shopping finds at local pharmacy stores such as CVC, Wallgreens etc.. Clutched in her hands were a bevy of small "stocking stuffers" such as a Coby 5 inch Black and White portable television for $27.49 (though i dont know if that really fits into a stocking - not the ones from back in the day).

She ads.."Any 12 year old boy would go crazy with that in his bedroom."

Mmmmm, maybe a 39 inch wide screen for todays kids sister! She's gotta be thinkin about a kid from 1978!

Other absurdities that actually were being marketed and i'm afraid sold were; (listen up parents, in case a birthday is looming):

Garfield Chia Pet 15.99, Back to Basic's red electric guitar 129.99, an Elizabeth Colonial Era "Felicity" doll for 87 bucks, with books and accesories about 92-100 bucks.

A "Roboraptor" robot from Wow Wee Toys, $99, this thing whips its tail (wow really, nooo, yur kidding!), plays tug of war (with what ants, i'd like to play tug-of-war with that thing!), and detect objects in its path (i'd like to test it out on cavernous basement stairwells or see if it can "dectect", maybe trip up....piano movers? yeah, i'd like to see that).

Speaking of stocking stuffers, ooooh let me not forget the Nethis $595 dollar "metallic boot" trimmed with Ferdi pink lace, encrusted with bugle beads and sequins and crammed with pink feathers! Gotta have that!

Also bordering on the insane but tapping into the nostalgia market is;

Charlie Brown’s Patriotic Christmas tree $24, a Custom velvet Elvis Portrait $149 (u send in photo - they incorporate it into a hideous painting of u in the suit with the big ole collars encrusted in jewells!

Ahh yes, holiday gift giving season 2005, i will miss it indeed! Can't u just tell i so can't wait till next year!

Cesar A. Becerra
Atlanta, GA

Dating in the new Millennium; Part Deux - Meat Market meets Museum

Sure u've heard of romantic tales of folks rounding the Degas and bumping into their future mate in a quiet corner of the Lourve. Maybe a chance glance between an Alexander Calder mobile at the MET...and whala - true love blooms.

Well, museums and other non traditional setting are not only the place people are meeting but the very place singles groups are vetting to throw their next suaree.

Welcome to the next stage of dating in the new millennium. No i'm not saying that folks will abandon their favorite new form of dating (the internet) as of yet, but those that are getting burned out or just plain "burned" on-line are retreating to more traditional settings. Such was the case when i attended a singles event called First Night at Bostons Museum of Fine Art. Sure the museum participates along side other museums galleries that join in to keep doors open late. And of course you dont HAVE to be single to attend. But this runnaway hit of an evening is now a fixture for the single set that has taken an active role in moving the meat market away from the bar scene and into a more quaint arena. But make no mistake about it, it's still a meat market!

At the tail end of a long regal hallway with stately columns and massive chandelliers and along side hundreds of 16th and 17th century paintings and sculptures hung an El Greco painting painted in 1610 called simply St. Catherine. As you will see above - she's the chick with the sword and the funky head gear. The legendary Saint Catherine was widely renowned for her learning and wisdom, so much so that the Roman emperor Maximilian wanted her to be his wife. Her Christian faith was so strong that she refused the pagan ruler; in retaliation, he ordered that she be tortured. Catherine was bound to a spiked wheel, but freed when a thunderbolt from heaven shattered it. This proved to only infuriate "Maxie" and in her hand is the very sword with which she was ultimately beheaded.

Ouch! Poor Catherine. So much for dating in the old days! Basically, the man was in charge. Case closed. Hell hath no fury like a pagan ruler scorned! I found it appropriate and a tad bit humorous that in the course of that painting's history, times - dating rituals in particular - had changed big time! Seems to me, that if there are any beheadings going on today, its gonna be the guys a-heads a-rollin! For the power has shifted, and i could see it all over the room. In gestures. Faces. Body language. Stand offish-ness.

And no, i dont mean to imply that women are devils. Its just the playing field has more than equalled. But most definately, the woman has the upper hand. On most - but i'll stop short calling it on all occassions, i witnessed this phenomenon visualla and later as witnessed in examples from my interviews.

But before we get into those nuances, let me set the stage. Fifteen bucks gets yu in the door. And their were litteraly, had to be, at least 300 or more people packed into two large rooms that bookended a great rotunda where John Singer Seargeant murals looked down on the crowd which had ABSOLUTELY no interest in murals that night. The only clear artifact that got great recognition were 3 oversize bottles of Saphire Gin at three distinct open bar stands. Obviously the title sponsor. Forgive my ignorance of the brand but i am not a drinker.

Two "tapas" stations also got some attention so that the revellers were well fortified for the night's hunt. Yapping is terribly exhausting. especially while standing in high heels. I noticed this early and had a seat on one of the few leather chairs placed near the giant stairway. It proved to be both a perfect perch to people watch, plus capture some great interviews....for on three occasions women (listen up guys! hint-hint) dying to throw their shoes off for a while, plopped down on the seat next to mine.

The first was Emily. A graphic designer/artist from Washington DC. with long flowing hair down to her waist. I was thankful she sat down for earlier in the night i had overheard her friend utter some phrase to the tune of "look, i'm not about to just talk to anybody, i dont want to give them the wrong impression!" Bingo. Just the folks i wanted to talk to. I knew that the reality of the situation was that most folks in this setting find the entire process a bit ridiculous. On the one hand the museum is there to what....somehow mask the reality that you are looking to hook up and meet someone. A step above the bar scene yes, but i saw many a guy and gal getting just as hammered and just as slurred.

"Basically, its still a meat market" explained Emily, who acknowledged this was not her scene. I could tell that one. I saw in her that she wanted to be somewhere else. On another level i felt she was thankful that the art at least was there. We discussed the internet and how it basically served the same role as the evenings proceedings. "It gives some people atleast a common ground. We atleast know that most people here are single....and looking."

Which begs the question. Should a decision as potentially important as finding a mate be forced or designed rather than lucid and by random chance? Is the one out there in the universe destined to be put forth in front of us in due time or do we actively "shake the sheets" or look in the haystack to find him/her? While u mull that over, let us continue on our journey through the museum's First Night dating party.

Now museums are supposed to be quiet contemplative places. This was not the case tonight. In a room with a rounded cathedral ceiling, what began early in the evening as a whisper grew to practically a shouting match in some corners. The domino effect went as such; with a whisper bouncing here and ice buckets clanging there, high heels clapping here and the band playing over there.....the entire room grew into a giant richocheting mess. No peace. But then again the real volume was being turned up by some of the women's outfits. Not all (this is Boston, not Miami mind u) but there were some doozies!

A fresh from Florida faced sun worshiper sported a velour baby blue jumpsuit complete with rhinestones. Tight leather pants up against a dead furry animal dressed up another dame. And intermingled throughout were some throwbacks to the 80's; a glitter top butterfly accentuating an ample "rack" and on some enough makeup to cover the cracks on Mt. Rushmore!

But those were the extremes. To be fair and honest, most ladies and men wore business attire. Clean, respectable, plain...which if you think about it all that would be left to decipher was physical attraction, and for that the eyes were piercing through steel that night. As i walked throughout the room, they moved to an frow, methodically, robot like, looking for a glance, a stare, a smile, a nice ass or what appeared to be a kind soul, round face, big wallet!

But those eyes were restless, pacing, never slowing down....how could you, in certain sections u had to keep moving as the crowd would have certainly pushed you along. The safe zones were the corners, or sides, where museum stantions cam dangerously close to setting off an alarm. The blob of people were taking over. As i squeezed here and there i overheard both men and women yapping the following; "if i feel i just dont like him, i'll just say so"......"this last guy i dated, he was such an ass"....."she was the most beautiful woman i had ever met"....."i'll do anything to impress her" etc...etc...

So with all this comotion, how does one stop and chat, have a decent conversation if they don't know the Cesar Becerra "high-heels-are-ahurtin-chair-trick", well there were some crafty singles in the audience. One group of girls (two Canadians and one up-state new yawker) i called the Tapas Trio (cuz they were munchin on Tapas) explained; "well, one guy just reached out and grabbed my arm"...."another had recognized me from a Salsa Club i went to"...."and one guy just spun off from one group and began talking to me."

But no one beat veteran Mick Cusimano, who had the "mother" of all ice breakers. A caricaturist by trade, Mick just simply begins drawing women he's attracted to. Marker and sketchbook in hand, right there, without shame. "Some get spooked, others curious, and many think its cool, i even have some who ask me to draw them.....'please!!!!" I asked Mick if any of this is working...dod he have any successful long term relationship offshoots that began with his drawing scheme? "Well i've had lots of short term brief relationships, but it does work!"

Back at the plush leather chair i rescued Linda from the high-heel blister fairy. "Is anybody sitting here?" asked Linda, a nurse and mother of two who recently divorced. "Plop right down" i said and i confessed i was here to do a story, which put her at ease. She turned out to be a fountain of knowledge, quotes and open minded insight. Echoing on the example i shared with her about Mick's ice breaker routine, Linda says; "You know i give any shy person big time credit for just coming out here. It's not easy."

Linda's new found freedom and cautionary actions to keep far away from future impossible situations means that she is carefull not to "take it personally" if a man in her life cannot commit full time to her. "I'm dating one guy, who is great but he's got alot going on in his life. And still he wanted to know if i was going to be monogomous in terms of dating just him.....I never answered him. And he never asked again. I have two dates coming up and i'm gonna take them!"

The big cloud hanging in the air that night was one of options....and keeping them open. Which really i think defines the new dating scene. A book and website called www.quirkyalone.com echoes the same sentiment Linda and others in that room that night. Both men and women know that they don't necessarily need the other to survive or even be happy, at least they dont need to RELY on somebody exclusively for that. That is a major change from the past. Gone are the damsel in distress days. Gone are the wooing, swooning over a Cary grant type man with power and money. Sure its here and there but for the majority of the folks i saw that night, in a blink of an eye, they were making mega judgement calls about whether it is worth it or not....to make that first move....take a closer step....reach out that hand...smile and say; "Hi, my name is Cindy" or "Name is Ralph and your name is?"

Which brings us full circle to the tale of Angie and Jesse (found at my other blog www.globenotes.com/worldwalker), the couple who saw each other about once every 4 years but never connected until the last....and then got married! How did Jesse know instinctively and why did Angie fight it. Or did Angie's fighting it make Jesse work harder to prove himself. Or....was it just meant to be....and there was nothing either one could do to prevent it. To tell ya the truth...i dont know...and i dont think anyone can prove it either way, which is why for some people, no amount of Renoirs and Manet's can make the magic happen and why someone down the line will be recounting the museum/meat-market tale of how they met at The Boston Museum of Fine Art on a cold day in January.

Who knows they might even have a black marker drawing in a sketch pad as a souvineer from that very same night!

Cesar Becerra
Boston, MA

Some of u have had problems sending comments so please feel free to send comments to cesarwalks@yahoo.com

Image notes; The two small banners are from dating sites that promote singles events and on-line dating matches. The model like figures lady in blue top and lumber jack looking guy are a stark contrast to two actual non-blond, non-hunk posting photos of real life singles looking to meet others. The St. Catherine El Greco painting that hung next to the band and Tapas station overlooked the entire scene only few got the irony. And an evening photo of the Boston Museum of Fine Art where the hottest singles event in Boston takes place each first friday of each month, 15 bucks plus extra for booze and tapas. People watching, rejections, and potential hook-ups/spouses.....free of charge and....PRICELESS!