101 things i love about IKEA and why i am a good candidate for Liars Annonymous

OK, so the flavor of the month now is the Georgia Aquarium, the new 200 million dollar concrete example that u can recreate nature just about anywhere, even a few hundred miles away from any ocean!

But a few months ago, Atlanta was abuzz about the new IKEA, a 60 million dollar venture to serve one of America's major metropolis'.

Everybody took their sides. One side (the yuppies and social-climbers) jumped for joy, the enviros and anti-Wall Mart crowd vowed never to set foot and signaled the beginning of the end!

I decided to give it a few months and let the noise die down before i would decide for myself - though, lets be realistic, the minimalist in me was aching to attack!

In the end i was torn. Is IKEA the beginning of the end? Can a store that sells cheap, pressboard shelving (and to be fair, a million other household products, some of them built to last) build a bridge in between two classes of society? Could i be asking too much, thinking too much, hoping too much of IKEA, to play a role in defining who we are?

Before I comment on that batch of sticky questions. Lets begin with a tour. Now normally yu’d start with the front door. But this is one of the world’s largest IKEAS and Ikea does nothing small. So before yu can step foot in the building yu must submit and be subjugated by the beast. Meaning yu must go subterranean. Like tectonic plates sliding over the weaker mass, Ikea is built upon its crowning achievements, an elaborate and ultra clean parking garage that exists under the entire massive blue and yellow structure.

And it is here where they begin working on yu. There are beautiful signs about what is in store for yu. There are posters and specials already blaring the goodies you couldn’t possibly resist getting even if you did not come there to buy in the first place. There are fancy escalators and elevators to whisk you inside. And another one whose main job it is to whisk you our effortlessly, cart in tow, (called the “travelator”) magically with all your goods floating downward – cart on the actual escalator, wheels locked in place and at an angle that wont tip anything off or have flying crts go whizzing down knocking others buyers into lawsuit heaven!

Forget something in the car? Well good luck getting back. The escalators all go up in one section of the building. Its almost impossible to go down, that is…unless you have gone through the entire store! There is a maze to ensure that you do get to see it all. Translation; buy it all or be tempted to buy it.

When you do approach the lobby of the entrance you will first smell the 75 cent a cup Danish fresh brewed coffee, piping hot next to the just baked 99 cent cinnamon buns! All of course as your dessert cuz for the main course you’ve got IKEAS famous Danish Meatballs and 50 cent hotdogs and 75 cent fountain drinks!

This is what the industry calls a loss leader. Items that the store is just barely making a profit on or coming up even steven but they are there to both keep ya happy and (God forbid yu get hungry) keep ya inside the store. Better still is the fact that if the brood is along, the little whipper snappers can be fed for under 10 bucks. Even a family of 5!

Speakin of little ones. What do you do with the pesky fellers when yu are trying to shop, pay attention to that big purchase yu might be contemplating with the Missus? Why, check them in of course. IKEA has thought of that too. Yes folks, free day care, on the premises. And we’re not talking some crappy carpeted room with a few toys. NOOOOO, they went all out.

In other words, IKEA wanted not only for you to believe they would be safe with trained childcare folks at hand but calm in the notion that there was enough to keep yur little one entertained with. Enter the “berry-est” happiest place on earth. IKEA’s holding pen. OK the nake is fancier, but it’s a holding pen no less. Complete with a themed village that begins with the following themed story of a lush land in spring time somewhere in Sweden; “soon u will have stepped thru the berry basket. With your clogs you walk past
rounded stone fences and thru the the magic forest….”

Yes folks rubber like trees with the spongy carpet and lots of toys await your tiny tot for hours of enjoyment so that nothing, not even your screeming little ones comes between you and yur particle board purchases!

So Ok, belly full, kiddies in the pen its time to grab a cart. But you say, “hey, I don’t need a cart, I’m just browsing today!” HA! Not so fast, yee of little will power. IKEA has another thought for you and its emblazoned in 30 inch lettering, just above the cart rack area. I quote; “grab a shopping cart your about to get your hands full” as if you are no match for the powers of IKEA marketing……actually….come to think of it, they are right, this is the land of impulse purchasing. On more than one occasion that day I heard one person say to their friend, spouse, partner; “well, we could always use this” or “you know that other rug seems ratty, why don’t we get this” or “but its sooo cute”.

Ok, so yur in the store, kiddies sequestered (out of yur hair) cart in tow (cuz yu just cant resist)….so what is there to buy. Well our first station has a “wall mounted drop leaf table” designed by Ann Laarson (whoever she is – there is a photo so maybe this is the ultimate doyeene domain to know by face and name all of the designers who make household tchotchkies!) for 49.99.

A bit expensive for a two foot table? How bout a better bargain for 5.99. Lets say “tea light” holders, not the candles mind yu, just the holders. Now if yu know tea lights, they already come with an aluminum can like base that catches all the wax. Guess IKEA is figuring yu might tip this and need an extra holder….or maybe yu live on an earthquake fault and will be experiencing wax run off due to a 4.5 richter hic-up? So for 5.99, hey, yur covered!

Ok, I’m being hyper critical yu say. “Cesar, c’mon, every store in America has stuff yu really don’t need. Ahhh yes but do they have the “Toftan” storage unit that attaches to the “Stoleman” post for a mere 129 bucks! Ha! Gotcha. Yes folks this is a new level of absurdity. For 129 bucks yu can get a space-age pole that holds a few boxes (can yu say milk crates and a used PVC pipe – hell I’ll bundle that up for ya for like 20 bucks) to hold….get this, incredibly heavy stuff like Q-tips, tampons, shaving cream and maybe a few meds?

Exactly how far do we have to disguise (or put on a pedestal…a 129 dollar pedestal) the normal realities of our lives? Are we that far removed and jaded to say to the world, these things don’t exist here. This is a bathroom, I wouldn’t want you to see bathroom like stuff in a bathroom, I want it invisible! “toiletries BE GONE! Ahh, HA, HA, HA….Poof!”

Ok, I’m getting a bit passionate here. As you can tell. But I’m not loosing it. I still have my marbles intact which is much more than I can say for IKEA’s odd view of the world. By that I’m talking about a section of quotes on the wall just before you begin to see the mother of all show rooms.

Here are two that I wrote down; “what if penguins were experts in home furnishing” and

“what if a ball of yarn got tired of cats and cardigans” Huh? Hey IKEA, here’s one for ya What if ya spoke English and explained just what do penguins and cats and cardigans or cats wearing cardigans really means! I think its just some pseudo-intellectual subversive marketing bull shit just to give the place some quirky edge.

As you wind yur way through their main layout yu will see fully furnished rooms, furnished to the hilt! Now yu will see this in other furniture stores but usually the flower vase or window treatment doesn’t have a price tag and info sticker attached to them. BUT here at IKEA, its all for sale.

And they mean this. One thing folks may or may not realize is that at the corner entry to each “suite” or fully furnished rooms or apartments (yes sometimes there are rooms yu enter that have a 2 bedroom apt style layout) yu will see a grand price if yu dare choose all and everything yu see in front of yu…..lock stock and flowery paper weight…barrel! The designers at IKEA have dolled up square foot vignettes of 237, 377, 592, and 753 square feet….so u can envision yur own unit of the same size looking just like theirs. Never mind that here at IKEA there are no door jams, plenty of track lighting and a roster of folks trampling thru yur faux home saying “ooohhh, ahhh, look at this.” Note to buyer; this is a wee bit of a tricky environment to buy furniture cuz yur thinking that the cooing people come with this stuff or “if I buy this stuff, lots of folks will want to come to my place and also oooohhh and ahhhh”

Sorry Charlie. They wont. You’ll be stuck with the bill and a hell of a lot of instruction and installation manuals to put all this crap together. Not too mention a shit load of Styrofoam, cardboard and cellophane bagies.

But there is so much here you ask, how can I possibly choose a style. I have a limited income and I’m here to show my sweetie that I’m open to graduating from milk crates and hand me down futons. IKEA has thought of that. Around the store there are stations with pencil paper and the following quote; “big or small its ur place and for any size home family or budhet u can find yur style with smart designs at very low prices from ikea. Come on in and explore this home (take our ideas - we want u to) and discover just how well u can live well within ur means”

HA!

I got to break this down folks. Sorry, just cant resist. Particularly this line;

“Come on in and explore this home (take our ideas - we want u to) and discover just how well u can live well within ur means”

This basically is telling the soon-to-be-IKEA junkie that there sense of style and imagination is shit. “You have no originality.” Says the dark voice behind the curtain. “We will teach yu proper design, we will tell yu what to buy!” Of course they want yu to take their ideas. Since before u got in the store, yu probably had one of each object that is in the store. What IKEA is really telling yu is that their stuff is cooler. Its time to replace that old ratty couch or coffee table with one of ours. See its translucent quality! Yeah, that is no match against that silly aux wood grain crap table yur momma gave yu all from the basement. “Chuck that thing! Time to grow up, use this stuff to show u’ve made it!”

Which is part of the problem I have with IKEA. We are made to believe that this high end designed but cheaply constructed furniture will make us look good. But don’t look to hard, or….don’t move the furniture too much. Or the fascade will crumble. Remember that though design is key to making yu buy it, the tipping point of the sale comes with the price. This is a devastation combinbation that makes yu overlook the fact that yu are indeed buying cheap crap. And anyone that knows furniture will agree. Hell even IKEA agrees. How bout this explanation on price vs. design;

“an idea without a price tag has no meaning that’s why at IKEA a low price is part of every design”

So they begin with design but soon there after say, how can we mimic this look while building it with the cheapest materials in the world? i.e. plastic screws, particle board, laminate fake wood grain surfaces etc….

They promote something called “Democratic Design” which they follow with the following quote, bathed under nice lighting; “Enjoy a beautiful life at home without giving up the rest of what makes life worth living, IKEA believes every one of us deserves that.”

I wish IKEA would answer their own question….”what exactly makes life worth living?” and what the hell is a “beautiful life?” and why should getting one ensue that we might have to be “giving up” something to get it in the first place. Seems to me, buying all this crap makes us reach for that brass ring while loosing our footing on the carousel of life. In other words, paying for all this stuff takes time away from enjoying life. Are we simply buying it to show others a ruse. That in effect I will have just enough time to swallow a Tylenol to suppress that blinding headache caused by the 60 hour week it takes to keep paying for stuff I see only at night or once a week when I invite my family or friends over for “the tour!”

You know “the tour”, that customary (whether u like it or not) tradition that all homeowners feel the need to inflict upon visitors so that can show off the new addition or new pile of crap they bought. Sometimes I want to add; “well that’s nice but in case yu got the wrong idea, I came here to see yu, not yur new shit!”

OK, relax Cesar, its gonna be all right. C’mon guy, reign back on the negative, there has to be some positive thing yu can say about IKEA. OK there is. And I’m not joking here. One great thing I see about IKEA’s design principals is that they do promote small space living. The fact that they have showroom apt of 277 square feet is testament to that. So they have a less is more approach but then they fuck it up by designing space saving pieces not necessarily to breathe more room into such a small space but…..here it comes…..but to make room for even more stuff. So Mc Mansion or not, you can have the same elements a big home has but in a Mini-me sorta way!

OK, I tried saying something positive. Really I did.